[written at 4:15 am]
Longest elevator ride of my life.
Stared at the buttons thru blurry eyes.
Couldn’t remember what floor.
All I thought about was you.
And our rushed goodbye.
Could still feel our last kiss on my lips.
Paused at our door and caught my breath.
Heart was hoping that I’d open it and there you’d stand.
Foolish heart. [sigh]
And even more so, foolish girl.
I sit here now thinking.
Contemplating the word ‘strength‘.
It’s funny how people classify it.
And try to define it on a day to day.
Strength in numbers.
Survival of the fittest.
Don’t think strength has any grasp on falling in love.
It’s such an immeasurable event.
My body goes weak when you give me that look.
I feel wobbly in the knees when you kiss me.
Your rhythmic love makes my head spin.
And give in to complete surrender.
And try as I might right now..
Can’t keep these weightless tears from falling.
Goodbye lover. See you in 15 days.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Morning After.
Tears streaming.
Lip quivering.
Hands shaking uncontrollably.
It's been so long since I've thought about those moments in time.
It's been so long that I was hoping my mind would forget.
Apparently it hasn't been long enough.
The memories and emotions flood back like a broken levy.
So quickly I felt the wave that my only reaction was to log off.
I couldn't bare to have you see me break down.
Not now.
Maybe not ever.
I don't tend to open myself up to being vulnerable.
And I don't offer up certain topics from my life.
But I just thought it best for you to know.
The moment between us was so somber.
So silent that I was afraid you'd hear my tears fall.
And so still that I thought my heart would explode.
I tried to hold back.
But you're face was so serious.
So unreadable.
So emotionless for the first time.
No Cheshire cat smile.
No hopeful warm eyes.
Nothing.
I didn't mean to leave you, love.
Just couldn't bear to see you.
Didn't want you to see my shame.
Didn't want you to change your mind on us.
Don't want to lose you.
Goodnight lover.
Lip quivering.
Hands shaking uncontrollably.
It's been so long since I've thought about those moments in time.
It's been so long that I was hoping my mind would forget.
Apparently it hasn't been long enough.
The memories and emotions flood back like a broken levy.
So quickly I felt the wave that my only reaction was to log off.
I couldn't bare to have you see me break down.
Not now.
Maybe not ever.
I don't tend to open myself up to being vulnerable.
And I don't offer up certain topics from my life.
But I just thought it best for you to know.
The moment between us was so somber.
So silent that I was afraid you'd hear my tears fall.
And so still that I thought my heart would explode.
I tried to hold back.
But you're face was so serious.
So unreadable.
So emotionless for the first time.
No Cheshire cat smile.
No hopeful warm eyes.
Nothing.
I didn't mean to leave you, love.
Just couldn't bear to see you.
Didn't want you to see my shame.
Didn't want you to change your mind on us.
Don't want to lose you.
Goodnight lover.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Day Shift.
[snap shot of my day Wed 3.11.09]
10:56_ Watched A. mop the floors while trying to battle my hangover from last night. Damn Gatorade shots. Starbucks is like heroine to the soul. I’ve upgraded from my usual Tall to a much needed Venti and gulp it down within minutes of it touching my lips.
11:13_ [ahh] I begin to feel a little more like myself and start my morning procedures. My usual nature is to speed thru my opening routines but I’m predicting a rather slow day, so I decide to pace myself and stretch it out as long as possible. Glasses. Ashtrays. Fruit. Stock beer well. Napkins. Straws. [yawn]
11:32_ Bars too quiet for me and I’m missing my Cheshire Cat. Decide to crank out some reggae to liven up my mood and it seems to do the trick as I dance around singing at the top of my lungs. Who gives a fuck, there’s no one here anyways.
11:45_ Just dawned on me that the new girl isn’t here yet this morning. What a flake. Thank God M. told me to come in just in case. Today should be interesting. First day shift by myself. Time to take the training wheels off and see what I’m made of. Not gonna lie though, feelin’ kinda nervous and wish I hadn’t drank so much last night.
12:01_ Morning routine is done and I’m watching EPSN’s top 10. Good to get myself caught up on what happened yesterday. So excited that baseballs almost back in full swing. [no pun intended] Not sure how many games I’m going to make it to this year though with my crazy schedule. Looks like I’m going to do fantasy baseball too, wonder how I’ll do with that. Should start figuring out my picks now instead of waiting till the last minute like always.
12:18_ A. and I make a prediction on when we think the first customer will walk thru the front door. I’m going with 1:30ish if I’m lucky. I’m so bored. Had to plug my laptop in. Damn battery.
12:20_ New girl just walked in the front door. What a flake like I said. She takes one look at me and makes a comment about if she’d known that I was going to be here she would have saved herself the trouble of driving all the way out here! Are you kidding me? You’re over an hour late. LOL Thank God I was here sweetheart because you still have a job here because of me. She asks for a Redbull and straw and proceeds to share her current life drama with me like we’re best friends. Some people amaze me.
12:34_ FIRST CUSTOMER! Looks like A. and I were wrong and I’m happy to see it. Three foreigners. Interesting bunch to be honest with you. German, Dutch and a Russian. Sounds like the beginning to a lame joke. Have to pour my first pitcher and make quite a mess of it. New girl decides to throw in her two cents and give me a pointer for next time. [rolling eyes] Here’s a tip, get to work on time sweetheart.
12:45_ I have a full bar practically! 4 regulars just slowly streamed in the front door and then my foreign posse at the end of the bar.
1:02_ Make my first shot of the day -- Washington Apple. [gagging] Use to be one of my favorites and now I
can’t even think about Crown without wanting to puke.
1:25_ J. my newest favorite person in the world just walked thru the door and threw me a $5 for the juke box. It was starting to get a little quiet after my laptop died and I’ll be happy to not have to listen to the foreign jibberish anymore. $20 dollars worth of country music later, the bar starts hoppin. Couple more lunch regulars file in. Couple more shots are made. Foreigners finally leave.
1:58_ M. comes back from picking up E. and there’s a little animosity in the air. E. kind of made an ass out of himself last night by being a royal douche bag and then trying to justify it as not wanting to get walked all over by me in the future. Come on! We’ve been friends for a couple months now and he knows I wouldn’t do that to him.
1:58_ M. comes back from picking up E. and there’s a little animosity in the air. E. kind of made an ass out of himself last night by being a royal douche bag and then trying to justify it as not wanting to get walked all over by me in the future. Come on! We’ve been friends for a couple months now and he knows I wouldn’t do that to him.
2:10_ E. couldn’t handle the silent treatment so finally came up and apologized to me and we made nice. Thank God! Hated having to act like a silent bitch but I didn’t appreciate the night before. Got my usual hug and things are good to go now.
2:22_ Thought about C. for a whole minute and it made me laugh.
2:27_ 7 regulars at the bar which is more than I’ve seen during any of my other day shifts! We’re all watching the strong man competition on the TVs and doing our own commentary to what’s going on. It’s quite humorous and it’s helping to break down my nervousness. Finally feel like I’m getting the hang of things.
3:00_ Dwindles down to 5 people. Music is finally done so we vote to turn my laptop back on and listen to some reggae again. I miss the shit out of my Cheshire Cat by this time. Texting just doesn’t seem to cut it. 4 more hours until I’m off and then hopefully I can hear his voice.
3:01_ Remember to get my Rebelution CD from C. next time I see him.
3:30_ Just dawned on me that I haven’t eaten all day and I’m frickin’ starving. [growl]
3:45_ I make sure everyone at the bar is taken care of with fresh drinks and then J. offers to take me around
back and have a quickie smoke break. No one seems to object and I indulge in his request. Sit and bullshit for a few minutes about life and then head back inside to no new faces. I wasn’t even missed. [whew]
3:47_ Now I’m really fuckin’ hungry. J. walks down to the little Greek restaurant and orders me some gyro meet and taziki sauce.
4:06_ A new face walks thru the front door for me. Guess he’s a 4-5 regular and orders a beer. S. has amazing light blue eyes and I make sure I comment on how awesome they are. Blushes and makes me a napkin rose. Now it’s my turn to blush.
4:45_ Food arrives and I proceed to chow down with J. He insist that he buys me lunch so I don’t even fight him on it and we do a shot of Orange Gatorade to wash it down. Bud light keg went down so I called E. down at the pool hall and he ran over and changed it for me. I love the fact that him and M. trust me enough to go play pool and leave me unsupervised. LOL gives me the freedom to do whatever the hell I want to do and I like the feeling of not being watched like a hawk.
5:06_ S. closes out his tab and thanks me again for the compliment. Said he’d stop in on Saturday and have a few beers, told him to bring the old lady with him. C. walks thru the front door which I find ironic since he’s already popped in my head twice today. He runs out to his car and grabs the Reb CD for me and we vote on listening to it for a little while.
5:08_ Click on my phone and stare at the picture I have as my background. [sigh] I miss him xoxo
5:15 - 7:12_ Nothing really eventful happens that I haven’t already talked about through out the rest of the day. Made a ton more shots for J. and I -- he’s a functioning alcoholic he tells me and I’ve decided he’s my new best friend. Night bartender comes in early for her shift and does some drinking with us and we make up a couple new shots. Day time regulars start to tab out and slowly leave as the afternooners start filing in. I’m not doing to bad with remembering names and drinks. Couple more shifts and I should have everything down to a science. [knock on wood] One of the ‘lunch club’ guys comes in a little earlier then normal, usual not here till around 9. Finds out five minutes later that his grandma just died. OMG was the worst thing ever. I buy him a shot of Patron to shock his system and the drinks start coming shortly after. I hate to see a grown man cry and I almost want to run over and give him a hug but the night bartender beat me to it. Poor guy. I’m dreading getting that same phone call here real soon about my own grandpa. I don’t know how I’m going to take the news whenever it does happen. Couple guys from the Greek restaurant come in and buy some scratch offs. Made them like $20 bucks so they leave with a smile on their face. Poker regulars start to file in and most of them are surprised and happy to see me behind the bar now but sad that I can't stay and play tonights game. I'd rather make money tho then spend it [smile]
7:13_ Close down my register and take it back to the office to be audited. Was only a buck fifty short so someone made off with a little extra change. Such is life. Slow day as far as alcohol sales too, only did about $178 but after my shift pay and tips, I made $85 bucks! Can’t complain for my first day. Grab a drink with C. and J. and sit for a few minutes. First time I’ve sat since 11 this morning and it feels good to get off my feet! Can’t wait to get home and call my Cheshire Cat and tell him all about my day…..
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Espliffanies.
The beat of the drums syncs with that of my heart as I sit on the floor listening to sound check. My whole body comes alive with the vibrations and I close my eyes to soak it all in. Your voice gives me goose bumps as it invades my senses and fills my head. Unfortunately this week is already coming close to an end and I’m afraid to miss one second of it. I feel like if I don’t hold you tight before I know it, you’ll be gone and months will pass before our lips will press together again. Seems like an eternity I waited before I got to see your furry face and melt to your baby kisses and spellbinding voice. An eternity that I’m not so sure I want to endure so soon again. That’s the life of a traveling man that I will have to come to accept. [sigh]
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Missing Piece.
So a common conversation starter over the last month or so has been the tattoo on my wrist. Doesn’t matter where I’m at -- I could be sitting at the bar, at my store ringing someone up, in line at the grocery store, where ever really. Some people get the message behind it right away and others seem to linger for a while over the possibilities or hidden meaning that are represented by it. I promised everyone a blog in the near future with my thoughts and feelings about it and today seemed like an ideal time to make good on that promise.
I actually started thinking about it a week ago while I was sitting at the bar waiting for my plane to board. The crappy thing about San Diego’s airport is that you’re either barely there on time because of the long security checkpoint or you get stuck in the short terminal that only has 2 gates and you’re early by like 2 hours. Today was an early day. So I’m sitting at the bar drinking my glass of wine and keeping to myself when the women sitting next to me starts talking about my tattoo. She reads the word ‘missing’ aloud but seems to be at a loss for words on the puzzle piece that I have inked below it. I tell her it’s a representation of my ‘missing piece’ in life and her eyes brighten as a full on conversation begins to take place. The guy on the other side of me happens to overhear our conversation and chimes in with his ideas and thoughts on the topic.
My ‘missing piece’ doesn’t have a cut and dry definition by any means -- it’s open to interpretation and I love talking to people about what they feel they’re missing in their day to day lives. Some people think love, others money or religion. I even had one old lady stop me and tell me about her daughter that had run away from home a long time ago and how she’d never heard from her again -- seeing the tattoo in my store a couple weeks before that had some how inspired her to start looking again for what she considered to be her ‘missing piece’ in life.
For me -- my missing piece -- is happiness. Plain and simple. Watching a sunrise. Getting a wet puppy kiss. A quiet solo walk on the beach. Not having to say no to a once in a lifetime offer. Reading a good book. Being spontaneous. Taking pictures. Laughter. Ice cream on a hot day. A phone call from an old familiar voice. Running thru the sprinklers in a park. A glass of wine in the middle of the day. An old song on the radio. Family. Sitting in front of a warm fireplace. Espliffanies [lol]. Making new friends. Listening to the rain on a tin roof. Getting good news on a bummer of a day. Sitting outside star bucks and people watching. Reminiscing the good old days. Discovering new music. Trips to California. Writing. And so so much more.
See, no outlandish story or reasoning behind it. I truly don’t feel like it’s going to come down to one moment or event in my life to be ‘found’ -- I just feel like it’s an everyday reminder to pursue happiness on a continual basis. I guess the tattoo idea came up about 3-4 years ago when a good friend of mine and I were having a deep conversation late one night about what the meaning of life was. Everyone’s ideal plan is to go to college, graduate and get a good job, settle down and get married, buy a house and have their 2.5 kids and nice cars. I can’t help but think there’s far more to life than that though. Don’t get me wrong some people, correction most people, can have this kind of path in life and live happily ever after. But it’s just not what I feel like life has in store for me.
I actually started thinking about it a week ago while I was sitting at the bar waiting for my plane to board. The crappy thing about San Diego’s airport is that you’re either barely there on time because of the long security checkpoint or you get stuck in the short terminal that only has 2 gates and you’re early by like 2 hours. Today was an early day. So I’m sitting at the bar drinking my glass of wine and keeping to myself when the women sitting next to me starts talking about my tattoo. She reads the word ‘missing’ aloud but seems to be at a loss for words on the puzzle piece that I have inked below it. I tell her it’s a representation of my ‘missing piece’ in life and her eyes brighten as a full on conversation begins to take place. The guy on the other side of me happens to overhear our conversation and chimes in with his ideas and thoughts on the topic.
My ‘missing piece’ doesn’t have a cut and dry definition by any means -- it’s open to interpretation and I love talking to people about what they feel they’re missing in their day to day lives. Some people think love, others money or religion. I even had one old lady stop me and tell me about her daughter that had run away from home a long time ago and how she’d never heard from her again -- seeing the tattoo in my store a couple weeks before that had some how inspired her to start looking again for what she considered to be her ‘missing piece’ in life.
For me -- my missing piece -- is happiness. Plain and simple. Watching a sunrise. Getting a wet puppy kiss. A quiet solo walk on the beach. Not having to say no to a once in a lifetime offer. Reading a good book. Being spontaneous. Taking pictures. Laughter. Ice cream on a hot day. A phone call from an old familiar voice. Running thru the sprinklers in a park. A glass of wine in the middle of the day. An old song on the radio. Family. Sitting in front of a warm fireplace. Espliffanies [lol]. Making new friends. Listening to the rain on a tin roof. Getting good news on a bummer of a day. Sitting outside star bucks and people watching. Reminiscing the good old days. Discovering new music. Trips to California. Writing. And so so much more.
See, no outlandish story or reasoning behind it. I truly don’t feel like it’s going to come down to one moment or event in my life to be ‘found’ -- I just feel like it’s an everyday reminder to pursue happiness on a continual basis. I guess the tattoo idea came up about 3-4 years ago when a good friend of mine and I were having a deep conversation late one night about what the meaning of life was. Everyone’s ideal plan is to go to college, graduate and get a good job, settle down and get married, buy a house and have their 2.5 kids and nice cars. I can’t help but think there’s far more to life than that though. Don’t get me wrong some people, correction most people, can have this kind of path in life and live happily ever after. But it’s just not what I feel like life has in store for me.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Final.
So I’m on a plane to Cali right now and I know I should be excited beyond belief -- consider it a mini vacation to get away from all the craziness back home and to just relax with some of my favorite people in the whole world. But looming over my head is my ‘final’…
Where do I even begin?! I haven’t always been the star player at every job I’ve ever had, but I’ve always considered my self to be in the starting line up. Kind of the go to person that will do anything really to show my level of commitment to where ever I’m working at the time. I’ve done the yes ma’m/no ma’m game before. The dog and pony show for corporate visits. I’ve traveled to all kinds of stores to help during crunch times. I’ve pulled stretch shifts and worked massive amounts of overtime. I’ve trained management when times were far less than ideal. I’ve even put past jobs in front of my personal life and caused a lot of turmoil in my relationships and past marriage. I’ve just always considered myself 110% dedicated to the task of running a store and have done all in my power to show that level of commitment so that someone one day might recognize my drive and give me that chance.
[sigh] So how does someone like this find themselves in such a rough spot? I wish I only knew. For those of you that know me, it is no secret anymore that I’m going thru a divorce. My lifestyle over the past month for the most part has not changed drastically, but my control over certain things in my life has definitely dwindled. I only have myself to take into account when making decisions but at the same time, I only have myself to look to in times of need. No second job, no money borrowed from my parents, no real savings account or backup plan for emergencies. Just plain and simply, me.
So back to the events leading up to my final. Mondays are my least favorite days and unfortunately the earliest day of my week. Two weeks ago, I just happened to sleep thru my alarm. Having to be there at 7 -- and waking up at 6:57 didn’t end up being a good combination and even after hauling ass to work, I was still half an hour late and very groggy. Not being up to par that day, very little got accomplished and I had a surprise DM visit the next day while I was off and thanks to me, the store bombed it. I seriously have not been that disappointed in myself in a long time and knew that I had to do something huge to redeem myself. So Wednesday rolls around and I’m at the courthouse picking some things up and parked in the 20 minute zone -- but when I got back to my car, it didn‘t start. I frantically started calling people to come get me and luckily got a hold of someone who would and then would later help me take care of my car situation while I was at work. $300 car repair -- $25 dollar parking ticket -- 24 minutes late to work a second time in one week, strike two. Thursday went by with no issues and I even turned down going out to a club that night with some friends for a birthday celebration because I knew I had to open the next day. Much to my non good fortune though, for whatever reasons I clocked in 3 minutes late and had hit my third and final warning, unbeknownst to me that is. The following week went by with no issues -- on time or early everyday, motivated as hell to get things done around the store, visual got started early and finished on time, sales were up and were my main focus for the end of the month. Everything seemed like it was going to be ok again and I wrote the week before off as a fluke. Until Monday when my store manager got a phone call from my DM and the news was passed on to me -- “you’re on your final for punctuality.” I didn’t cry right away. I didn’t really have any emotions to be honest with you. Just one of maybe shock and feeling as if I’d been slapped pretty hard in the face. ‘Final’ ..wow.. that’s such a deafening word to someone’s ears that has honestly given everything she’s had to her retail career since the beginning.
I left my previous job of almost 3 years to be where I’m currently at and even turned down one of my dream jobs because I believed in what this company wanted to do. I helped open the first store in the state of Florida and drove about 50 miles a day and paid $100 in tolls a month for a year to have the opportunity to get in when the stomping grounds were fresh. I’m not going to lie though, I had my fair share of ups and downs when I first started -- consider me the black sheep of the store if you will, but over time management changed in the store and I was the only original member remaining. I helped finish training the store manager that came in and even trained the assistant there from start to finish right before Black Friday week. I failed a couple secret shops and was kind of on a slow spiral down despite my best efforts to prove myself -- but turned everything around with two amazing scores and some awesome corporate visits. Even my old DM had to take back his words after having called me ‘cancer’ and transferred me to a new store that is ideal for where I want to be right now. Everything about my store now is great -- good store opening, strong customer base and tons of familiar faces, amazing staff and such a close knit management team! I honestly feel so blessed to go to work everyday and look forward to it almost -- I look at it as my escape from everything else in my life -- just 8 hours of running around like a chicken with my head cut off and talking to all kinds of new people. And I enjoy the fact that the things I do don’t go unnoticed and that the store because of everyone’s efforts is always amazing in everything that we do. I truly want to be a store manager with this company one day and would love the opportunity. I know thru conversations that have been had that I have a few minor things to tweak, but all in all, I feel like I’m ready and honestly have had this communicated to me by several people.
[deep breath] So with all this said and done -- and all the tears shed and gone -- how does someone that’s a ‘valuable asset’ to the team deal with news like this? How should I feel knowing that my DM didn’t sit down with me and deliver this news themselves? It almost makes me feel as though I’m being weeded out for some reason or being made an example of. How do I handle having given everything for the last year and a half, just to possible lose it in the next 90 days God forbid? I mean not to put people on blast or anything and I’m sure it’s not a secret to most, but I’m honestly one of the only people that has not had a resume out there since the first day that I started with this company. I’ve been recruited relentlessly by so many different people and have had so many amazing opportunities pass by me and I’ve never given a second thought to a single one of them. And it’s those people that are out there looking that are getting the promotions?!!? It really burdens my heart. You’re either committed to a company or you’re not. End of story.
Unfortunately though, I’ve really been tossing around the idea for the last two days that I need to start looking -- not because I want to leave where I’m at, but because I have to have that job security. I think to myself, maybe I can just start all over and maybe this time will be a smoother process. I’ve never left a job though without at least a months notice and I would never ever be selfish enough to leave during peak season -- not to mention the impossibility of finding myself a job during this time of the year. But what does one do when they have nothing to fall back on?! When they feel threatened by the current circumstances -- circumstances that can not only take away their source of income, but ultimately everything else that they have.
I just don’t know what to do. And unfortunately as I sit here on this plane on my way to California knowing that I’m about to have one of the best times of my life -- I feel so alone and scared. For now all I can do is pull my hood up over my head to hide my tears and look out the window and hope that ‘this too shall pass’.
Where do I even begin?! I haven’t always been the star player at every job I’ve ever had, but I’ve always considered my self to be in the starting line up. Kind of the go to person that will do anything really to show my level of commitment to where ever I’m working at the time. I’ve done the yes ma’m/no ma’m game before. The dog and pony show for corporate visits. I’ve traveled to all kinds of stores to help during crunch times. I’ve pulled stretch shifts and worked massive amounts of overtime. I’ve trained management when times were far less than ideal. I’ve even put past jobs in front of my personal life and caused a lot of turmoil in my relationships and past marriage. I’ve just always considered myself 110% dedicated to the task of running a store and have done all in my power to show that level of commitment so that someone one day might recognize my drive and give me that chance.
[sigh] So how does someone like this find themselves in such a rough spot? I wish I only knew. For those of you that know me, it is no secret anymore that I’m going thru a divorce. My lifestyle over the past month for the most part has not changed drastically, but my control over certain things in my life has definitely dwindled. I only have myself to take into account when making decisions but at the same time, I only have myself to look to in times of need. No second job, no money borrowed from my parents, no real savings account or backup plan for emergencies. Just plain and simply, me.
So back to the events leading up to my final. Mondays are my least favorite days and unfortunately the earliest day of my week. Two weeks ago, I just happened to sleep thru my alarm. Having to be there at 7 -- and waking up at 6:57 didn’t end up being a good combination and even after hauling ass to work, I was still half an hour late and very groggy. Not being up to par that day, very little got accomplished and I had a surprise DM visit the next day while I was off and thanks to me, the store bombed it. I seriously have not been that disappointed in myself in a long time and knew that I had to do something huge to redeem myself. So Wednesday rolls around and I’m at the courthouse picking some things up and parked in the 20 minute zone -- but when I got back to my car, it didn‘t start. I frantically started calling people to come get me and luckily got a hold of someone who would and then would later help me take care of my car situation while I was at work. $300 car repair -- $25 dollar parking ticket -- 24 minutes late to work a second time in one week, strike two. Thursday went by with no issues and I even turned down going out to a club that night with some friends for a birthday celebration because I knew I had to open the next day. Much to my non good fortune though, for whatever reasons I clocked in 3 minutes late and had hit my third and final warning, unbeknownst to me that is. The following week went by with no issues -- on time or early everyday, motivated as hell to get things done around the store, visual got started early and finished on time, sales were up and were my main focus for the end of the month. Everything seemed like it was going to be ok again and I wrote the week before off as a fluke. Until Monday when my store manager got a phone call from my DM and the news was passed on to me -- “you’re on your final for punctuality.” I didn’t cry right away. I didn’t really have any emotions to be honest with you. Just one of maybe shock and feeling as if I’d been slapped pretty hard in the face. ‘Final’ ..wow.. that’s such a deafening word to someone’s ears that has honestly given everything she’s had to her retail career since the beginning.
I left my previous job of almost 3 years to be where I’m currently at and even turned down one of my dream jobs because I believed in what this company wanted to do. I helped open the first store in the state of Florida and drove about 50 miles a day and paid $100 in tolls a month for a year to have the opportunity to get in when the stomping grounds were fresh. I’m not going to lie though, I had my fair share of ups and downs when I first started -- consider me the black sheep of the store if you will, but over time management changed in the store and I was the only original member remaining. I helped finish training the store manager that came in and even trained the assistant there from start to finish right before Black Friday week. I failed a couple secret shops and was kind of on a slow spiral down despite my best efforts to prove myself -- but turned everything around with two amazing scores and some awesome corporate visits. Even my old DM had to take back his words after having called me ‘cancer’ and transferred me to a new store that is ideal for where I want to be right now. Everything about my store now is great -- good store opening, strong customer base and tons of familiar faces, amazing staff and such a close knit management team! I honestly feel so blessed to go to work everyday and look forward to it almost -- I look at it as my escape from everything else in my life -- just 8 hours of running around like a chicken with my head cut off and talking to all kinds of new people. And I enjoy the fact that the things I do don’t go unnoticed and that the store because of everyone’s efforts is always amazing in everything that we do. I truly want to be a store manager with this company one day and would love the opportunity. I know thru conversations that have been had that I have a few minor things to tweak, but all in all, I feel like I’m ready and honestly have had this communicated to me by several people.
[deep breath] So with all this said and done -- and all the tears shed and gone -- how does someone that’s a ‘valuable asset’ to the team deal with news like this? How should I feel knowing that my DM didn’t sit down with me and deliver this news themselves? It almost makes me feel as though I’m being weeded out for some reason or being made an example of. How do I handle having given everything for the last year and a half, just to possible lose it in the next 90 days God forbid? I mean not to put people on blast or anything and I’m sure it’s not a secret to most, but I’m honestly one of the only people that has not had a resume out there since the first day that I started with this company. I’ve been recruited relentlessly by so many different people and have had so many amazing opportunities pass by me and I’ve never given a second thought to a single one of them. And it’s those people that are out there looking that are getting the promotions?!!? It really burdens my heart. You’re either committed to a company or you’re not. End of story.
Unfortunately though, I’ve really been tossing around the idea for the last two days that I need to start looking -- not because I want to leave where I’m at, but because I have to have that job security. I think to myself, maybe I can just start all over and maybe this time will be a smoother process. I’ve never left a job though without at least a months notice and I would never ever be selfish enough to leave during peak season -- not to mention the impossibility of finding myself a job during this time of the year. But what does one do when they have nothing to fall back on?! When they feel threatened by the current circumstances -- circumstances that can not only take away their source of income, but ultimately everything else that they have.
I just don’t know what to do. And unfortunately as I sit here on this plane on my way to California knowing that I’m about to have one of the best times of my life -- I feel so alone and scared. For now all I can do is pull my hood up over my head to hide my tears and look out the window and hope that ‘this too shall pass’.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Honesty.
I sit here at the moment holding my breath, feeling emotionally drained and torn. A part of me wants to cry and be angry while the other part of me wants to listen to my gut and walk away -- realizing that I apparently wasn‘t important enough to them in the first place to know the truth.
Heavy hearted. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Betrayed almost.
Honesty. I don’t understand why it’s such a hard concept for people -- a concept that people just can’t, or maybe it’s won’t, try to embrace and make it an every day part of their lives. What good comes out of lying to the people around you that you care about? There can’t possibly be any self satisfaction or feel good notion associated with not being able to be who you are in life. About having to hide the things or events that ultimately make up who you are in this present stage in your life.
Hell, believe me when I say that honesty is not an easy part of life. But it’s about being true to yourself. It’s about being open to those around you and forming that ‘circle of trust’ if you will. It’s about being secure with who you are enough to stand up and say how you feel or what your ideals are even if everyone around you thinks otherwise. It’s about finding out who your true friends are when all is said and done -- about knowing who those people are that are still going to be there when the dust settles and you’ve fallen on your face and you need that warm hand to come and pick you back up.
I am so fortunate in life to have found those people. The ones that have stood by me over the years and even more so over the last couple months and have encouraged me to look forward towards my future instead of behind me with the inevitable ‘what ifs‘. Though few and far between, those people have made the impossible mountains of everyday reality seem like mere mole hills in the grand scheme of things.
“This too shall pass” they always say but this time I don’t know if I’m ready to let this one slip away just yet. Usually there’d be no hesitation on what my actions would be in this scenario -- a big part of me feels like I need to be that warm hand that’s waiting there when their ready though. As much as I want to be that person, I just don’t know if I can put myself through the process of being lied to on a day to day basis.
[I asked you only because I cared. And all I wanted in return for that step of courage was the truth. I didn’t ask you to your face because the reality of the situation is, I unfortunately knew better and would’ve broken down in tears as your words would’ve been the ultimate slap in my face. The truth, good or bad, is regardless still the truth -- and nothing is more powerful then caring about someone enough to be able to give them that. And in the end caring enough to be honest with yourself. The lies you tell today are the lies that you have to remember tomorrow. And unfortunately, the people that you hurt today are the people that would’ve stood by you and helped you get through another tomorrow.]
Heavy hearted. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Betrayed almost.
Honesty. I don’t understand why it’s such a hard concept for people -- a concept that people just can’t, or maybe it’s won’t, try to embrace and make it an every day part of their lives. What good comes out of lying to the people around you that you care about? There can’t possibly be any self satisfaction or feel good notion associated with not being able to be who you are in life. About having to hide the things or events that ultimately make up who you are in this present stage in your life.
Hell, believe me when I say that honesty is not an easy part of life. But it’s about being true to yourself. It’s about being open to those around you and forming that ‘circle of trust’ if you will. It’s about being secure with who you are enough to stand up and say how you feel or what your ideals are even if everyone around you thinks otherwise. It’s about finding out who your true friends are when all is said and done -- about knowing who those people are that are still going to be there when the dust settles and you’ve fallen on your face and you need that warm hand to come and pick you back up.
I am so fortunate in life to have found those people. The ones that have stood by me over the years and even more so over the last couple months and have encouraged me to look forward towards my future instead of behind me with the inevitable ‘what ifs‘. Though few and far between, those people have made the impossible mountains of everyday reality seem like mere mole hills in the grand scheme of things.
“This too shall pass” they always say but this time I don’t know if I’m ready to let this one slip away just yet. Usually there’d be no hesitation on what my actions would be in this scenario -- a big part of me feels like I need to be that warm hand that’s waiting there when their ready though. As much as I want to be that person, I just don’t know if I can put myself through the process of being lied to on a day to day basis.
[I asked you only because I cared. And all I wanted in return for that step of courage was the truth. I didn’t ask you to your face because the reality of the situation is, I unfortunately knew better and would’ve broken down in tears as your words would’ve been the ultimate slap in my face. The truth, good or bad, is regardless still the truth -- and nothing is more powerful then caring about someone enough to be able to give them that. And in the end caring enough to be honest with yourself. The lies you tell today are the lies that you have to remember tomorrow. And unfortunately, the people that you hurt today are the people that would’ve stood by you and helped you get through another tomorrow.]
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
