Final.

So I’m on a plane to Cali right now and I know I should be excited beyond belief -- consider it a mini vacation to get away from all the craziness back home and to just relax with some of my favorite people in the whole world. But looming over my head is my ‘final’…

Where do I even begin?! I haven’t always been the star player at every job I’ve ever had, but I’ve always considered my self to be in the starting line up. Kind of the go to person that will do anything really to show my level of commitment to where ever I’m working at the time. I’ve done the yes ma’m/no ma’m game before. The dog and pony show for corporate visits. I’ve traveled to all kinds of stores to help during crunch times. I’ve pulled stretch shifts and worked massive amounts of overtime. I’ve trained management when times were far less than ideal. I’ve even put past jobs in front of my personal life and caused a lot of turmoil in my relationships and past marriage. I’ve just always considered myself 110% dedicated to the task of running a store and have done all in my power to show that level of commitment so that someone one day might recognize my drive and give me that chance.

[sigh] So how does someone like this find themselves in such a rough spot? I wish I only knew. For those of you that know me, it is no secret anymore that I’m going thru a divorce. My lifestyle over the past month for the most part has not changed drastically, but my control over certain things in my life has definitely dwindled. I only have myself to take into account when making decisions but at the same time, I only have myself to look to in times of need. No second job, no money borrowed from my parents, no real savings account or backup plan for emergencies. Just plain and simply, me.

So back to the events leading up to my final. Mondays are my least favorite days and unfortunately the earliest day of my week. Two weeks ago, I just happened to sleep thru my alarm. Having to be there at 7 -- and waking up at 6:57 didn’t end up being a good combination and even after hauling ass to work, I was still half an hour late and very groggy. Not being up to par that day, very little got accomplished and I had a surprise DM visit the next day while I was off and thanks to me, the store bombed it. I seriously have not been that disappointed in myself in a long time and knew that I had to do something huge to redeem myself. So Wednesday rolls around and I’m at the courthouse picking some things up and parked in the 20 minute zone -- but when I got back to my car, it didn‘t start. I frantically started calling people to come get me and luckily got a hold of someone who would and then would later help me take care of my car situation while I was at work. $300 car repair -- $25 dollar parking ticket -- 24 minutes late to work a second time in one week, strike two. Thursday went by with no issues and I even turned down going out to a club that night with some friends for a birthday celebration because I knew I had to open the next day. Much to my non good fortune though, for whatever reasons I clocked in 3 minutes late and had hit my third and final warning, unbeknownst to me that is. The following week went by with no issues -- on time or early everyday, motivated as hell to get things done around the store, visual got started early and finished on time, sales were up and were my main focus for the end of the month. Everything seemed like it was going to be ok again and I wrote the week before off as a fluke. Until Monday when my store manager got a phone call from my DM and the news was passed on to me -- “you’re on your final for punctuality.” I didn’t cry right away. I didn’t really have any emotions to be honest with you. Just one of maybe shock and feeling as if I’d been slapped pretty hard in the face. ‘Final’ ..wow.. that’s such a deafening word to someone’s ears that has honestly given everything she’s had to her retail career since the beginning.

I left my previous job of almost 3 years to be where I’m currently at and even turned down one of my dream jobs because I believed in what this company wanted to do. I helped open the first store in the state of Florida and drove about 50 miles a day and paid $100 in tolls a month for a year to have the opportunity to get in when the stomping grounds were fresh. I’m not going to lie though, I had my fair share of ups and downs when I first started -- consider me the black sheep of the store if you will, but over time management changed in the store and I was the only original member remaining. I helped finish training the store manager that came in and even trained the assistant there from start to finish right before Black Friday week. I failed a couple secret shops and was kind of on a slow spiral down despite my best efforts to prove myself -- but turned everything around with two amazing scores and some awesome corporate visits. Even my old DM had to take back his words after having called me ‘cancer’ and transferred me to a new store that is ideal for where I want to be right now. Everything about my store now is great -- good store opening, strong customer base and tons of familiar faces, amazing staff and such a close knit management team! I honestly feel so blessed to go to work everyday and look forward to it almost -- I look at it as my escape from everything else in my life -- just 8 hours of running around like a chicken with my head cut off and talking to all kinds of new people. And I enjoy the fact that the things I do don’t go unnoticed and that the store because of everyone’s efforts is always amazing in everything that we do. I truly want to be a store manager with this company one day and would love the opportunity. I know thru conversations that have been had that I have a few minor things to tweak, but all in all, I feel like I’m ready and honestly have had this communicated to me by several people.
[deep breath] So with all this said and done -- and all the tears shed and gone -- how does someone that’s a ‘valuable asset’ to the team deal with news like this? How should I feel knowing that my DM didn’t sit down with me and deliver this news themselves? It almost makes me feel as though I’m being weeded out for some reason or being made an example of. How do I handle having given everything for the last year and a half, just to possible lose it in the next 90 days God forbid? I mean not to put people on blast or anything and I’m sure it’s not a secret to most, but I’m honestly one of the only people that has not had a resume out there since the first day that I started with this company. I’ve been recruited relentlessly by so many different people and have had so many amazing opportunities pass by me and I’ve never given a second thought to a single one of them. And it’s those people that are out there looking that are getting the promotions?!!? It really burdens my heart. You’re either committed to a company or you’re not. End of story.

Unfortunately though, I’ve really been tossing around the idea for the last two days that I need to start looking -- not because I want to leave where I’m at, but because I have to have that job security. I think to myself, maybe I can just start all over and maybe this time will be a smoother process. I’ve never left a job though without at least a months notice and I would never ever be selfish enough to leave during peak season -- not to mention the impossibility of finding myself a job during this time of the year. But what does one do when they have nothing to fall back on?! When they feel threatened by the current circumstances -- circumstances that can not only take away their source of income, but ultimately everything else that they have.

I just don’t know what to do. And unfortunately as I sit here on this plane on my way to California knowing that I’m about to have one of the best times of my life -- I feel so alone and scared. For now all I can do is pull my hood up over my head to hide my tears and look out the window and hope that ‘this too shall pass’.