Honesty.

I sit here at the moment holding my breath, feeling emotionally drained and torn. A part of me wants to cry and be angry while the other part of me wants to listen to my gut and walk away -- realizing that I apparently wasn‘t important enough to them in the first place to know the truth.

Heavy hearted. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Betrayed almost.

Honesty. I don’t understand why it’s such a hard concept for people -- a concept that people just can’t, or maybe it’s won’t, try to embrace and make it an every day part of their lives. What good comes out of lying to the people around you that you care about? There can’t possibly be any self satisfaction or feel good notion associated with not being able to be who you are in life. About having to hide the things or events that ultimately make up who you are in this present stage in your life.

Hell, believe me when I say that honesty is not an easy part of life. But it’s about being true to yourself. It’s about being open to those around you and forming that ‘circle of trust’ if you will. It’s about being secure with who you are enough to stand up and say how you feel or what your ideals are even if everyone around you thinks otherwise. It’s about finding out who your true friends are when all is said and done -- about knowing who those people are that are still going to be there when the dust settles and you’ve fallen on your face and you need that warm hand to come and pick you back up.

I am so fortunate in life to have found those people. The ones that have stood by me over the years and even more so over the last couple months and have encouraged me to look forward towards my future instead of behind me with the inevitable ‘what ifs‘. Though few and far between, those people have made the impossible mountains of everyday reality seem like mere mole hills in the grand scheme of things.

“This too shall pass” they always say but this time I don’t know if I’m ready to let this one slip away just yet. Usually there’d be no hesitation on what my actions would be in this scenario -- a big part of me feels like I need to be that warm hand that’s waiting there when their ready though. As much as I want to be that person, I just don’t know if I can put myself through the process of being lied to on a day to day basis.

[I asked you only because I cared. And all I wanted in return for that step of courage was the truth. I didn’t ask you to your face because the reality of the situation is, I unfortunately knew better and would’ve broken down in tears as your words would’ve been the ultimate slap in my face. The truth, good or bad, is regardless still the truth -- and nothing is more powerful then caring about someone enough to be able to give them that. And in the end caring enough to be honest with yourself. The lies you tell today are the lies that you have to remember tomorrow. And unfortunately, the people that you hurt today are the people that would’ve stood by you and helped you get through another tomorrow.]