The Back Story

So the last month has been a whirlwind of chaos for me -- and I feel like to really grasp who I am as a person and to understand where I'm currently at in life, you have to know the back story. No promises on it being the short edited version though [smile]

09.07-09.12 [Trip to California]
I use to live in Cali for about a year and decided that I need a little break from reality and paid a visit to some friends that I still keep in touch with out there. To say that my trip was anything less than amazing would be a lie -- it was such a breath of fresh air for me. The details could take forever and honestly wouldn't be significant to anyone but myself so I'll spare you that much. I got my first tattoo on my last day out there though which was a surreal experience. I'd been toying with the idea for the last 4 years and finally just decided to go balls to the walls and get it done. I couldn't be more excited about it and it truly means the world to me. But like all vacations, it came to an end, but it will not be my last trip out there by any means!!

9.20 [Rays vs Twins game]
Huge baseball fan for the last 4+ years and love the worst team in the league_ Tampa Bay Rays! That is until this season! That nights game was simply amazing and I thought would be my last one of the year. Rays clinched the Playoff spot and it honestly was such a roller coaster of emotions for me that night!

10.01 [Rebelution concert]
Was walking down to one of my favorite bars on a Sunday afternoon when I saw a concert poster up for a group called Rebelution -- a friend of mine in Cali had introduced me to their music just a couple weeks prior to this and I loved them. So I jumped on the opportunity to buy tickets for one of my best friend and myself. What a kick ass night! They put on such an amazing show and I just knew that I had to go introduce myself after the set. Lucky for me, I ended up hitting it off right away with one of the guys and before we knew it_ Patron shots in the RV. Watched the rest of the concert and met a lot of the guys. On stage for the finale song. Hung out in the green room with everyone. Watched Jello wrestling at one of our favorite bars and danced to a local reggae band. Moved on to a quieter bar and just talked for hours. Exchanged info and went home. Honestly one of my top 5 moments from this past year <3

10.02 [Downhill]
Got a phone call from my mom while I was at work that my grandpa had been taken to the hospital -- he was complaining about a lot of pain and after running tests, they discovered that he had a tumor on his spine and there was some speculation that it could be cancerous. They couldn't tell right away and they ran a bunch of tests on him including MRIs and bone marrow stuff.

10.06 [The Big Talk]
The month of October marked two and a half years that my husband and I had been married -- we had gone thru our fair share of ups and downs like most couples, but over the course of time, things have not been in a good place for us. I decided that it was time for us to have a serious talk and after much discussion, we decided that it would be best for us to part ways. I can't really explain what kind of emotions one goes thru when telling someone that they love that it's truly not them, it's you. I know that seems like such a cop out in life but I really feel like I made the best decision. I've been going thru a phase for a while where I truly just wanna live for myself and not feel as though I'm being held back or vice versa. I feel as though some of the decisions we've made in our marriage have compromised each others overall happiness and that opportunities have passed us both by that we'll never be able to get back. I wanna be that spontaneous person again that lives by the seat of my pants and can be selfish in what I want out of life. I'm not so sure I'm at a place right now where I'm completely capable of taking someone elses feelings into account when making decisions and unfortunately have hurt some people along the way because of that.

10.07 - 10.11 [Hardest Week Ever]
I assumed our talk would be the hardest part of it all, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Tons of paperwork, splitting stuff, packing, etc -- it's such an emotional process. Not to mention still living together thruout the whole ordeal. We laughed about good times. We cried about the breakup. We drank at our little corner pub and played Uno late into the night. We hung out like old friends. We cuddled and talked about life and where the future would take us. Being amicable thru the whole process made it easier as the week went on and by the time Saturday came along and he loaded up the moving truck, I felt at peace with how everything played out. I felt as though he did truly see where I was coming from and did want to see me completely happy in life and ultimately wanted the same for himself. Sometimes you have to let people go and pray that you're making the right decision.

10.11 [ALCS Game 2]
Since the playoff clinching game that I went to last month, I've been wanting to get a blue 'ray'hawk, minus the whole shaving my head and spiking it up part. [lol] So I went with a more tamed lay down fohawk look and cut off 6.5 inches of my long hair to accomplish it. Planned on just hanging out at the big sports bar across the street from the stadium to watch the game, but stumbled across someone who sold me a ticket for $20 bucks! I couldn't have been more excited and meet up with my other best friend and her boyfriend at the stadium -- by far the longest Rays game ever! Started a little after 8 and took almost a full hour just to get thru the first inning against the Red Soxs. Four and a half hours later and extra innings, I decided to leave and go to the bar for last call and finish watching the game. Rays ended up winning 9-8 and a short lived party broke out with tons of jello shots and shenanigans. Unfortunately with the late ending to the game came last call, so the party never got to finish in true rock star fashion, but still by far a great night!

10.12 [Good Times and Good Friends]
After a hella long day at work, I was looking forward to enjoying 'one' beer with my best friend at our favorite downtown bar..little did I know it would be another long night. We met up with another friend who says money is never an issue as long as you have good company -- so 'one' beer turned into three and a massive array of amazing sushi that we enjoyed while sitting outside taking in the beautiful breezy night -- until last call, AGAIN! But while most normal people go home at this point and crawl into their warm beds and rest up for the next days adventures, I some how got coerced into hanging out till much later in the morning just shooting the shit and forgetting to look at my clock until it was so late that I might as well have just sucked it up and pulled an all nighter. But I didn't and managed to get about an hour and a half worth of sleep before...

10.13 [Longest Day Ever]
...I had to go to work. ugh. It was a fair price to pay though for good company, but I still hated life for the most part. Talked to my mom during my break and she gave me the latest update on my grandpa and it wasn't as good as I had hoped it could maybe be. My grandpa is going to die -- yes, I know everyone dies in life at one point or another but few people actually have the ironic privilege, if you will, of knowing ahead of time what will be the ultimately demise of them. The only man I know in my entire life besides my former pastors that has spent more time at or involved with his church than with his family practically is going to die a slow and painful death. My grandpa has been diagnosed with multiple melanoma which is a terminal cancer. From what I've been told it's similar to leukemia as far as being a blood based cancer, but unlike that, it's incurable at this time. They've made some break thrus in recent years and are able to fend it off temporarily with chemotherapy and such, but it's still just a matter of time. Multiple melanoma basically travels thru your body's system via the blood and affects your nervous system and your organs slowly killing them and shutting them down. Kidney failure is a big concern at the moment, as is the tumor that they found the week prior. Luckily though, the tumor although cancerous is not located directly on his spine, so they are able to do radiation on it to shrink it and therefore stabilize his spine for future chemo treatments, which will be starting on Nov 6th.

My thoughts on the whole chemo process are a bit crude personally and I will hold off for now on sharing those thoughts with all of you. But know that even though most people would be angry and confused on how God could allow something to happen to such an amazing servant of His, I mirror my grandpa's outlook on this one. Our family has been rifted for quite some time now. Long gone are the summers and holidays spent staying with my grandparents when I was little and over the last 4/5 years the communication with them has been extremely limited and almost non existent for personal reasons. Sometimes God has to do something drastic to send a message to us as believers and I truly feel as though my grandfather will use this experience to touch and reach more people than he's ever had the opportunity to before. I know that everything is in God's hands now and all we can do is pray that my grandpa will not be too uncomfortable and that he'll put up a good fight and keep his spirits high.